David Lynch Signature Cup Coffee

OK, first off, who even knew that David Lynch made coffee? I mean, I’m a David Lynch geek from way back, and even I had no idea that the multi-talented Lynch also roasted his own blend of gourmet coffee! Wow…so cool.

Anyway, my friend Ginger and I literally stumbled upon David Lynch Signature Cup coffee in the Book Soup booth at this year’s Los Angeles Times Festival of Books. Apparently, Lynch had been there earlier in the day signing copies of his book on meditation, “Catching the Big Fish: Meditation, Consciousness and Creativity”, which had just come out in paperback.

Seeing that stack of Lynch books with the little “signed copy” stickers totally threw me. Wait, whaaa? David Lynch was here at the Festival…signing books while Ginger and I waited in line for the Alicia Silverstone cookbook signing? Are you kidding me?! Urgh…damn you, Cher Horowitz!

Of course, it wasn’t really Silverstone’s fault. The Festival of Books printed catalog and website is almost impossible to decipher and Lynch was just one of many cool author events we missed that day. Thanks, Los Angeles Times!

Anyway, back to the coffee. So, right beside the pile of signed meditation books at the Book Soup cash wrap was a tiny pyramid of David Lynch Signature Cup coffee cans. Seriously, I just about died. I mean, right there before me was the perfect marriage of two of my lifelong passions…movies and coffee…in a darkly-beautiful, collectible can to boot!  How insanely awesome!

I immediately purchased a can of the Organic House Blend — David Lynch Signature Cup also makes an Organic Espresso and Organic French Roast Decaf — and popped that thing open the minute we got home. I didn’t make the coffee for a few more days, but, I just about died (again!) at what was inside the can. Nestled beneath the bag of coffee beans at the bottom of the can was a very cool “Eraserhead” coffee coaster!

Like the nerd that I am, my first thought was: “Wow, I wonder if the other coffee flavors have different coasters! I must buy them all!” Cooler heads prevailed and I decided to try the coffee first. And thank God I did, because that shit was nasty! Blech…watery, flavorless, probably one of the weakest cups of joe I’ve ever had. I tried making it several different ways too…regular drip, press pot, blended with a darker roast…but it always tasted the same.

If I had to pick a Lynch film to describe that gunk, I’d probably go with his bloated, big-budget disaster “Dune”. I know that sounds harsh, but, I was expecting something dark and murky, like “Twin Peaks”, but what I got was straight-up “Dune” in a cup. Only, you know…wetter.

So, if you’re on the market for a groovy collectible coffee can and “Eraserhead” coaster, by all means, order yours today! But if you’re looking for great gourmet coffee from a great filmmaker…keep on waiting.

Starbucks Doubleshot Coffee + Energy

OK, I have had some seriously bad coffee on road trips over the years, but never in my life as a coffee drinker have I had anything as strangely disgusting as the latest Starbucks canned coffee beverage…the Doubleshot Energy + Coffee. Yikes!

It was late Wednesday night, the day before Thanksgiving and after crawling up Highway 5 from Los Angeles, we stopped for gas as we always do at our favorite truck stop/gas station in Gustine. Knowing that we might hit more horrendous traffic over Hecker Pass and beyond on our last leg to Santa Cruz, I decided I’d better caffeine it up a bit.

So, rather than get some of the truck stop’s notoriously awful hot coffee, I opted for a Starbucks canned coffee instead. Normally I would get the Starbucks Doubleshot, which is very small and very expensive — I’ve seen it for as much as $3.99 in some places! — but totally worth the price, because aside from giving you just the right jolt, that shit is pretty tasty.

However, this time I saw something new in that refrigerated section…shiny, gigantic cans of something called Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee. It even came in three flavors: Mocha, Coffee, and Vanilla. Cool! Twice the size of the traditional Doubleshot and fifty cents cheaper with Guarana, Ginseng and B Vitamins to boot, how could I not try this thing? So, I grabbed myself a Coffee flavored can of Energy + Coffee goodness and headed to the register. And that, amigos, was my first deadly mistake…

This drink was bad. Really, really bad. I’m not a fan of energy drinks in general and this crap tasted like the worst energy drink you ever had combined with the worst day-old coffee you ever had and a buttload of sugar. Seriously, I gagged on my first sip…it was hideous.

Of course, having already slapped down my cold hard cash, I drank the whole thing. Yes, I am that cheap, and after almost eight hours on the road, I needed a pick-me up regardless of the taste. So, what are you gonna do?

In hindsight, what I should have done was stopped drinking immediately. By my third sip I had the rumblings of some serious coffee stomach, and by the time we reached Gilroy a half hour or so later, I felt like my heart was gonna explode. It didn’t help that Christine kept laughing at me for cheaping out and going large instead of sticking to a drink I knew and trusted. Urgh…what a disaster.

So, I guess the moral of the story is to stick with what you know on road trips, and for the love of God, stear clear of this toxic Starbucks concoction! Yuck…