Worst Oscar Telecast ever!

How boring was last night’s Oscar telecast? So boring that I couldn’t even stay awake to blog about it afterwards…and, trust me, I stay up late up all the time, so, that is really saying something.

Long, strangely-paced, badly-produced, hosted and directed, I gotta tell ya, last night’s show was probably the worst Oscar telecast of my adult life. And, yes, I’m including the David Letterman and Rob Lowe/Snow White fiascos.

The thing that really kills me is that I was so excited about the hosts this year. I love Anne Hathaway to death and James Franco is great in everything I’ve ever seen him in…but, together, wow, they were like, epically bad.

I know most of the blame falls at the feet of the lame-brained writers and producers — did we really need those hideous “Gone With The Wind” and “Titanic” graphics projected in the background? And don’t even get me started about that freaky Bob Hope hologram…yikes! — but Hathaway and Franco were so boring that you could practically hear viewers switching the channel. Urgh…

To her credit, Hathaway at least tried to keep things lively, but the dead-eyed Franco looked like he needed a nap most of the night. Watching Hathaway desperately flit around the stage last night while Franco half-napped at the podium reminded me of those old elementary school group projects where one person on the team always worked harder than the other. As a team, they failed, but, I think I’d give Annie an “A” for effort!

Not helping the overall yawn-factor last night was the fact that almost everyone who was predicted to win, did. Which is cool for the very-deserving winners (way to go, Queen Amidala!) but makes for really boring television. Thankfully, “Inception” cleaned up in the technical categories…so, that was fun to watch, even if Christopher Nolan was denied his Oscar (again!).

Dying to hear what you guys thought of the show, and if you have any suggestions for better hosts for next year — hell, that Bob Hope hologram would be better than Hathaway and Franco! — I’d love to hear them too…so, fire away!

Stride Shift Berry + Mint Gum

Normally, I would hate to follow a bad review with another one, but, this latest salvo in the Stride Gum Revolution was so bad that I simply had to warn you away from it. Yes, I know, the commercials are kinda cute and gum that changes flavor as you chew it does sound like a Wonkatastic idea. But, trust me, amigos, Stride Shift Berry + Mint gum is just plain horrific.

Being the cheap-ass that I am, I waited until their was a two-for-one coupon in the newspaper and the minute it came, I cut that baby out and practically ran to Vons to get me some Stride Shift. Now, before I go any further, I should tell you that the other flavor we sampled was the Citrus + Mint, which was only mildly repulsive…but that Berry + Mint? Wow, what a disaster!

At first blush though, everything seemed cool. The packaging was kinda retro and fun, and the website describes the Berry + Mint flavor as, and I quote: “a gateway gum to Unbelievablesville”, so, I was so ready to get down with this stuff. But then I opened the package and saw a very strange, purple-hued gum that can best be described as spongy candy sandpaper.

I imagine the gritty feel of the individual pieces is due to the flavor crystals or some shit, but, seriously, who wants to eat gritty gum? Yikes…

Once I started chewing it, however, I soon realized that the grit was the least of my problems. I mean, the artificial berry flavor up front was fine, and, you know, appropriately artificial tasting, but the truly epic terribleness of this gum was only revealed to me after “the shift”.

My brother described this gum best by calling it “Berry + Aluminum Foil” and, sadly, that is not far off. Tinny, sharp and freakishly metallic tasting, the mint flavor is so weird that you’d swear you lost a filling or something. Blech…coupon or no coupon, I’d say stay as far away as you can from this Stride Shift nastiness.

Oh, and just in case you do happen to keep this crap in your mouth after “the shift”, I should warn you that Stride Shift Berry + Mint completely disintegrates — and sticks to everything in your mouth! — in a little over an hour. Yep, I said disintegrates, like asprin melting on your tongue.

Urgh…just try “shifting” that taste outta your mouth!

“American Idol” reaches a new low…

First “American Idol” producers refused to do right by their long-suffering workers by going union, then they dumped Paula Abdul when she asked for like, a third of what Seacrest makes, and now, “Idol” producers have made the biggest mistake of all by hiring Ellen Degeneres as the fourth judge.

I mean, really? Ellen?! What was Tyra too busy running her media empire to take the gig? Jeez, what the hell does a self-absorbed union-busting scab like Ellen know about judging singing competitions? And if America thought Paula was too nice to the contestants, just imagine how much the “queen of nice” will pander to the worst singers in the bunch?

Urgh..if I wanted to see Ellen’s manufactured brand of “aw shucks folks” sweetness I’d watch her daytime show. The fact that she’ll be inflicted on my “Idol” viewing time each week might just be enough to break me of my “Idol” habit for good. On the upside, not watching “Idol” will free up a lot of Tivo time come January…so, hmmm…maybe I should be thanking Ellen.

Nah, I still hate her phony ass…

Paula Abdul quits “American Idol”

According to the Los Angeles Times (and her own rambling Twitter feed) Paula Abdul announced this evening that she is not, I repeat, not returning to “American Idol” next season. Whoa…big mistake, FOX! I mean, love her or hate her, losing Paula is the beginning of the end for “Idol” in my book.

Sure, Abdul is straight-up insane most of the time, and her comments as a judge literally make no sense, but I firmly believe that Paula’s brand of Coked-out crazy is a vital component of “American Idol’s” success. And with “Idol” glut sullying the pop landscape, does anyone really watch that show for the singing anymore? Hell, no! For me, “Idol” is and always will be, Simon, Paula and Randy talking trash. Oh, and Kara’s a’ight too.

I don’t know what the execs at FOX are smoking…but letting Paula slip away over money is just plain stupid. It’s even more insulting when you consider the fact that Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest just got gignormous raises. Cowell I understand…he is the show, but Seacrest? Please, anyone could do that job. And yeah, I’m talking to you, Brian Dunkleman!

But Paula’s brand of bat-shit crazy is one of a kind, man. You simply cannot replicate it, and all the new judges in the world won’t be able to replace the whacky little gem you’re losing today. So, for the love of all that is holy in reality TV, pay the woman what she wants and get Paula back to the “Idol” judging table where she belongs!

Long live Paula Abdul, and more importantly, long live the crazy!

Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP.com

OK, I ain’t trying to hate on Gwyneth Paltrow or anything, because, unlike a lot of bloggers out there, we love us some Gwynnie. She’s cute, crafty, a pretty decent actress, an even better talk show guest, and her new PBS series with chef Mario Batali: “Spain…On The Road Again” looks awesome! It’s actually been winking at us all week from our Tivo…we’ll let you know it is.

But despite all the things we dig about Gwyneth, we — or maybe it’s just I — cannot get behind her recent jump into the already-crowded lifestyle guru business. That’s right, amigos, Gwyneth launched a lifestyle website this week, and though I’m down with anyone joining the blogosphere, I gotta say, her site is, well…kinda laughable.

First off, the name: GOOP.com. Huh? Weird. Secondly, she has virtually no content anywhere on the site save for the one really cloying, actressy “mission statement” pictured above. And “Nourish the inner aspect”…? What does that even mean? Urgh, kill me already.

Admittedly, the site just launched this week in “preview” form, so maybe GP’s cooking up some seriously def blog posts, but why launch a website with nothing on it? Lame. However, my biggest beef with Gwynnie’s new site is that she totally stole my concept. Seriously! As you can see above, GOOP is organized by categories labeled: “Make”, “Go”, “Get”, “Do”, “Be” and “See”. Jeepers, all she left out was the “Eat”. Might as well take that one too, you old blog-idea-stealer!

I’m not too worried though, if the steady barrage of online Paltrow bashing continues, GOOP will probably die a pretty quick and painless death. And though I don’t agree with much of what has been written about poor Gwynnie, I have to say the best quote I read about her misguided adventures in blogging appeared in an article by Maria Russo in this week’s L.A. Times.

“That brings us back to the life-advice-from-a-star issue. Women are unlikely to line up to hear Paltrow explain how she has perfected the art of living. It’s a tricky line you have to walk, if you want to advise the fair sex. You really ought to have suffered some sort of great hardship and loss. It also helps if you struggle ceaselessly with your weight, and it’s a bonus if your domestic arrangements are on the freakish side. As evidence, I offer this list of successful, beloved female advice purveyors: Oprah. Martha. Suze. Rosie. Tyra.”

Ha, I couldn’t have said it better. So, my advice to Gwynnie is to fatten up, go gay or serve some time and then we’ll talk, or you know…listen. And in the meantime, give me back my blog concept, flaca!