“Skating with the Stars”

Holy crap! Did anyone else watch this televised insanity last night? Man, if my Mother-in-Law hadn’t strong-armed us into watching part one of the season finale of “Dancing with the Stars” — a show neither Christine or I have ever watched willingly — we would probably have missed it entirely.

But, thanks to Marge, we totally watched the premiere episode of “Skating with the Stars” and, Lord in heaven, I want my hour back.

Seriously, that shit was so crazy! No offense to the sexiest damn replicant in the “Blade Runner” universe, but, when Sean Young is your biggest name star, you know you don’t have any stars. Yikes! And the still-sexy Miss Young tried her damndest, but, wow, bitch could not skate to save her life!

Even Olympic Gold Medalist Jonny Mosely sucked. Sure, he won his gold for skiing, but, still, you’d think he’d have some basic skating skills. Sadly, he didn’t.

The rest of the nobody’s…ahem…”stars”, were fine-to-decent skaters — except for reality show super-bitch Bethenny Frankel, who kinda rocked! — but the highlight of the night was when middle judge and resident super freak, Johnny Weir, inexplicably skated for the crowd.

It was so weird, they just came back from the break and announced that now, Johnny Weir would be skating. Huh? What about the next couple? And how did Johnny change into that strange outfit and frost his tips red so quickly? It was very confusing, amigos.

And the song the Weird One skated to? Wait for it…Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face”. Ha! Perfection! Instantly, the show went from plain-old bad TV to totally-surreal Mexican variety show. So awesomely bad! Wow…it’s almost enough to make me wanna watch next week. Almost…

Anybody else watch this craziness? If so, what’d you think?

“Harper’s Island”

Sure the writing is kinda obvious and the only real “name” in the cast — wait, is Harry Hamlin still considered a “name”? —  was literally sliced in half on the pilot, but for some reason, Christine and I are already seriously hooked on the new TV show “Harper’s Island”.

If you’ve somehow managed to escape the ubiquitous commercials and billboards, “Harper’s Island” is a limited-run murder mystery series (meaning it will resolve itself completely, telenovela-style after 13 episodes) airing Thursdays at 10PM on CBS. Yes, that CBS…

Set on a spooky, fog-shrouded island just north of Seattle, “Harper’s” isn’t exactly award-worthy fare, but, so far there has been plenty of gratuitous sex and some shockingly-gory murders — one dude was beheaded by the engine blades on a boat! Awesome! — so, like I said above, we’re kinda hooked.

The other big selling point for us is that the show will end in 13 weeks. I mean, hell, we’ve watched way lesser shows for a lot longer — yeah, you heard me final two seasons of “Angel” — so, 13 weeks of Lifetime TV-movie actors getting the axe (literally!) sounds cool to us.

So far, the premise is pretty much a “Scream” rehash with the troubled daughter of a murdered mother returning home to the Island for a friend’s wedding. Haunted by her mother’s death, the girl is kind of a cutesy basket case and the fact that every other character acts all “murderous” all the time doesn’t help put her frail mind to ease.

So far, people have violently chopped the heads off fishes, burned snails with a magnifying glass and revealed Satanic-looking tattoos just before getting in a crazy bar fight. Can you say, suspects? Wow!

Seriously, this show is like a crash course in cheesy soap opera acting: say or do something creepy, smile darkly to yourself…and hold that pose while the music builds. It’s kind of hilarious. And with almost every character already having had one of those moments, guessing who the killer is, and why they are killing everyone could be kinda fun.

Or not…but hey, it’s only for 13 episodes, right? So, if you’re looking for some cheesy so-bad-it’s-good fun, check out “Harper’s Island”. And, seriously, take a drink every time someone does something creepy and, trust me, you’ll be wasted by the fifteen minute mark. A-W-E-S-O-M-E!