Let me start by saying that I don’t plan on documenting every twist and turn of a show that plays practically every night of the week…but, that said, I did want to write a little something about last night’s rocking Season Seven premiere of “American Idol”.
Yes, I know FOX is the enemy right now, and reality TV is an even more insidious enemy, but that said, as lame and cheesy as it can be at times, I simply cannot resist the gravitational pull of the early “freakshow audition” episodes of Idol.
Christine is totally not with me on this as she tends to favor the singing and dramatic elimination episodes to come. But to me, Idol is, first and foremost, all about the freaks!
And this year’s premiere — masterfully culled from two-days of auditions in Philadelphia — did not disappoint. There was the strange moaning of the Paul Robeson dude in the yellow suit (above); the screaming, swearing meltdown of the rail-thin rocker chick (below); but best of all was the chunky black chick with the weird hair and the morbidly obese mother. I know it’s terrible to enjoy this, but man, was it awesome!
This poor girl opened by saying she wanted to win the competition for her ill mother. OK, right there you have me and Christine reaching for the Kleenex…but then, she sang. Lord in Heaven…you never heard such a thing. Just the saddest, weakest voice imaginable. And when they let her down gently, she burst into tears. And once again, we reached for the Kleenex.
Randy, Paula and Simon felt so bad for this girl that they actually walked her back outside and hugged her wheelchair-bound mother. Pretty stirring stuff…but then it was back to work.
There was the million-year old dude in the leopard-print vest (he said he was 39, but, well…does he look 39 to you?), the stalker dude (not pictured) who sang a self-penned ode to Paula where everything rhymed with “stalk” (Simon actually had him ejected by Security), and the insane “Hello Dolly”-era Barbra Streisand impersonator who they barely touched on. We were kind of dying to know what he/she sang…oh, well.
But the true stars of the night were the Princess Leia impersonators. Forget gravitational pull, these two were so entertaining I was in a freaking Imperial tractor beam. The saddest thing is that I actually saw not one, but BOTH of these people IN PERSON at the 30th Anniversary “Star Wars” convention here last May. I know…insert nerd joke here.
As you can imagine, neither of them could sing worth a damn, but who really cares how you sing when you’re rocking a cool Princess Leia costume?
Oh yeah, and the dude in the slave Leia outfit actually left for a bit to wax his chest for Paula…hilarious! I was expecting them to show the waxing and then use that “Ooo, Kelly Clarkson!” line from “The 40-year-old Virgin”, but alas, “Idol” — like so many reality shows — doesn’t employ WGA writers, so, no cool “Idol” throwback jokes for them. Ha!
And lest you think all the folks who auditioned last night were freakishly untalented, they did end the show with two genuinely good singers with truly touching back stories.
The blonde (pictured below) is from Selma, Oregon, which is like, one town over from where Christine was raised…so, even if she sucked, she’s got our vote. But rather than suck, this girl rocked! She sounded amazing, AND she had to sell her beloved barrel horse (Christine knew what they were) so she could afford a plane ticket to the auditions. Wow…that is a story America can rally behind…you go, Oregon! You win that shit and buy yourself a whole bunch of barrel horses!
And then, they pulled out the big guns. This sweet-faced black chick (as you probably noticed, I didn’t remember any of their names…too early in the show for that stuff) came out and burned the audition room down. She was awesome and just in case her voice wasn’t enough to push her through, she has a young daughter with a disease that made her brain stop growing. OH MY GOD…we were literally sobbing when they showed her clip. Seriously, forget the competition, just give that girl the title already!
And on top of everything else, the judges were truly hysterical. This part of the show is really their time to shine, and shine they did, baby. Simon was on fire last night, and this is only night one of what is sure to be a greatly expanded season. So…wow…lots of savage UK wit to look forward to!
I know what you’re thinking…we should so NOT be supporting Rupert Murdoch’s evil Empire by watching this crazy show, but I’m sorry, it’s literally like candy to us…and you know Christine and I loves us some candy.
So, for now, we’re keeping the Kleenex close and the curtains drawn as we settle in for another kick-ass season of “American Idol”…